Summer holidays! What do they mean for you?

For many of us the idea of 'summer holidays' evoke jetting off somewhere sunny, beach read and sunscreen in hand. Others of us might be thinking of long evenings spent in pub gardens, festival season or barbecuing with friends. For many holidays are about managing children, holiday-clubs and family obligations and this can feel overwhelming. Some of us may even be thinking 'summer holiday, what summer holiday?!'

The way we think about the summer break likely speaks to the beliefs we hold about the value of rest. Is rest, in all its forms, taking a central role in your plans and feelings about the holidays? Or do the holidays feel like a time to achieve – whether that is a new skill (scuba diving anyone?), managing the family, or certain goals such as “I must go walking every day”.

Holiday rules?

Sometimes we have commitments over the holidays that we cannot avoid, for instance you may have caring or work responsibilities. However, we may also notice ourselves coming up against a range of ‘unhelpful rules’ as we try to step away from our usual routine and take some down time. This shift into holiday mode might bring up all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about achieving, not seeming lazy or being seen to be successful. You might notice an uncomfortable feeling when you take time and space for yourself. Indeed, you may even think “what does time and space for me actually mean”?

It is very common that, in order to manage this uncomfortable feeling, we find ourselves falling back into rule-based thinking. For example, “I only feel good if I’m achieving - so whilst I’m on holiday I will learn a new language!” Although language learning may be a pleasure for you, this example illustrates that the motivation is rule based and does not truly aid your wellbeing - i.e. if I’m not achieving I feel guilty, ashamed, anxious, therefore I need to find a way to achieve whilst on holiday.

What is the impact of these unhelpful rules when it comes to rest and holidays?

Bodies need time to repair and recuperate. We can all push our bodies for a short period of time (and some of us thrive with the intensity of pushing our bodies). Yet a relentless lack of rest can negatively impact our mental and physical health.

There are many different types of rest and people profit for different kinds of rest – depending on their needs, disposition and their reasons for rest. For instance, after exams rest might look more like sleeping but also enjoying the body and letting the mind switch off. After a demanding term of being very active with the children, rest might look more like needing to take emotional and intellectual time for oneself as well as some time to lie-in and not rush in the mornings. If you only have a 2 week holiday, your body might need different things at different stages of the holiday. Maybe at the beginning you find you sleep more, but after some days, you might find you want to explore your social or adventurous spirit.

Why am I feeling this way?

As with most unhelpful rules, our thinking about holidays will have been shaped by a number of factors. These might include:

Social norms around taking holidays.

For instance if, as a child, you and your peers were taken to loads of clubs and given extra tuition during the holidays, then you may not have experienced the value of day dreaming, watching a film twice or three times or having naps in the middle of the day. The implicit message here is that holidays are for extra activities, an opportunity to learn more and remain busy, rather than rest. The same is true if you were encouraged to do a lot of water sports or exploring when you went on a sunny holiday.

Wider cultural norms.

Different cultures have very different attitudes to holidays. Some countries, such as France, more or less shut down for the month of August, whilst other cultures offer employees minimal holiday days. Simply by being in the world, we are all subject to messages about the value of productivity (vs rest) and ‘work ethic’ - all of which are underscored by issues of relative wealth and privilege. What was modelled to you about taking holiday, whether amongst family or the wider culture around you?

Family culture around taking holidays.

On family holidays did your parents always work / take work phone calls? Did you see them get stressed or anxious around work while taking a holiday? Did you see your parents still go for their daily run or go to the hotel gym? Was there an expectation of getting up early, even if there was no reason to get up early? Were there still rules around food even when exploring other countries or cultures? Was their criticism around certain culture’s food being ‘unhealthy’ or ‘large portions’? Was there judgement around some of your choices whilst on holiday, for example around screentime, spending all day in your pyjamas or eating certain foods?

If we can take some time to reflect on the above, we might consider how are we perpetuating unhelpful holiday-time-rules within our own adult lives and our own families. What are we modelling to our children? And at what cost? Perhaps in taking time to reflect we can start to make some gentle but significant shifts this summer time.

Making change

A nice place to start is by tuning into what you actually need and/or what values you want to instill within your family. We encourage you to pay attention to how you feel or how your children respond to certain things (e.g. noticing tiredness, experimenting with unstructured time), noticing your own needs (or those of your children) and responding without judgement even if those needs aren't what's expected.

You might like to keep an eye out for any rules (“should” “oughts” “musts”) that come up when you reflect on the above. Are any of these rules related to intergenerational rules or behaviours you may have noticed growing up or within your community? Clients often tell us, that once they start noticing the first few rules, then they notice how many there are (in all corners).

If you notice an unhelpful rule – one that is no longer serving you or never served you in the first place – reflect on what it might feel or look like if you broke that rule. How could you do things differently?

Maybe things would feel great, amazing, life giving. Maybe things would feel uncomfortable, disjointed, restless. Sometimes the tricky feelings are not protective. Sometimes they are. At Breaking The Rules we invite you to notice your summer holiday rules and play with them, tuning into your deeper physical and emotional needs. We hope you can find some deep, explorative, fun, physical and emotional rest this summertime.